Aboard The SHIELD Ship
by Flipper Boid Skua
Summary: Based on the game, Spider-Man: Friend or Foe. It never did show the daily interactions of so many villains working with each other and our hero onboard the same ship. Please R&R!
1. Prologue: Grand Tour

Disclaimer: I don't own the Spider-Man franchise or any of its characters. I just wish I could.

A series of mostly-connected One-Shots of the characters' interactions aboard the S.H.I.E.L.D ship in the video game, Spider-Man: Friend or Foe.

NOTE: Some changes has been made based on my own preferences. The most major one: The Green Goblin will be in his good ol' classic costume! He can actually show emotions that way and will be easier for me to work with. :)

Chapter Summary: Just a basic introduction as the ship's computer gives us a tour.

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><p><em>Prologue<em>

**"Rhino, no running in the hallway." **the mechanical, yet feminine voice of the ship's computer echoed through the corridors as said human pachyderm charged his way down one long stretch of hall to another. Hearing the ever present voice from the nearby intercoms, Rhino merely scoffed with a smirk.

"You ain't my Mama. You can't tell _me_ what to do." he declared, speeding up if anything. He loved charging and, dang it, he wasn't going to stop until he felt like it...or until he hits something, whichever came first. And the latter was almost the case on numerous occasions. Several unsuspecting agents had to literally throw themselves out of the way to avoid being trampled. Even big-named villains like Venom had to leap up onto the ceiling, his symbiote skin swimming unpleasantly from the vibrating steps of Rhino's heavy strides, and the Green Goblin's glider had to make a drastic dodge, almost crashing in the process.

"Hey! Watch where you're going or I'll jab a Pumpkin Bomb down your throat!" Gobby hissed, glaring over his shoulder at the reckless behemoth as his glider stabilized itself from its sudden change in direction.

"Ha! You and what army?" Rhino sneered back, slowing down only to turn a corner before continuing. As the horned freak disappeared, Venom's suit began to calm. Hissing and giving himself a relieving shake, he continued on his way via the ceiling.

**"Rhino, no running in the hallway. This is your final warning."** the computer once more reprimanded, her voice taking on a firmer, no-nonsense tone. But once again, her warning was brushed off by the subject of the scolding.

"What're you going to do about it? You're just a voice."

The instant he said those words, a multitude of mechanical arms suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Gripping his thick hide and wrapping around him in a powerful bind, the arms then hoisted him into the air and flipped him upside down. Not surprisingly, Rhino was rather shocked by this, blinking with wide eyes. His confused mind naturally thought that this was Doc Ock pulling some bizarre stunt before slowly realizing that the arms came from the surrounding walls.

Feeling a flash of indignation, the formerly rampaging mutant began to struggle, straining to break his restraints apart, but even with his great strength, his efforts brought no success whatsoever.

"Hey! Put me down!" he demanded in a huff. Another arm appeared from the wall, flowing towards his face. Its mechanical 'fingers' pinched his cheek in an almost playful manner.

**"Mama has to teach little Rhino a lesson."**

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><p><em><strong>"Welcome, newcomer. You are now aboard the S.H.I.E.L.D. ship, orbitting the Earth while inexplicably remaining undetected. While onboard, please feel free to relax as you enjoy all the wonderful things we have to offer, such as: <strong>_

_**Friendly Companionship**_

"Is it kind of weird that we're all in the same room together without you guys, ya know, trying to kill me?" Spider-Man asked out loud as he lazed around the lounge along with every villain he brought on board. He soon realized his mistake in asking that, however, when Doc Ock turned to look at him.

"Rest assured, arachnid. As soon as we're done with the tasks at hand, we'll go back to how it was before." he 'reassured', the other antagonists unable to ignore this subject as they all turned to Spidey with ominous looks that our beloved hero didn't like.

"Or...we can 'practice' on our free time." Scorpion snickered, cracking his knuckles.

"Oooooh boy..." Spider-Man gulped as his Spider Sense went through the roof. Finding himself surrounded by every villain in the room, he knew asking that question was a reeeeaaaaalllly bad idea...

_**Delicious Ethnic Foods**_

"What the hell is this?" the Green Goblin asked as he poked the gelatin clump of who-knows-what with his fork, a disgusted grimace taking over his face. The smell was horrible and he pushed his plate away as the computer answered his question cheerfully.

**"It's Lutefisk. A Norwegian delicacy."**

"Is it suppose to jiggle like this?" Spider-Man asked, leaning back from the food in an attempt to get away from the unpleasant odor as he too poked the blob with his silverware, only to find his silver fork actually beginning to melt. "What the-?"

"What is this stuff made of?" Venom asked. Even he, with his voracious appetite and indiscriminate eating habits, was more than hesitant to try this new food, especially seeing what it was doing to the Spider's fork.

**"It's cod soaked in highly caustic lye. Warning: May burn the inside of a toilet."**

"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US?" yelled just about everyone in the dining room.

_**And Luxurious Living Quarters**_

"Is that a rat?"

_**And much, much more. So be sure to kick your feet up and enjoy yourself. Warning: We are not responsible for any physical, mental, or emotional harm inflicted during your stay here. Thank you and have a great day."**_

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><p>"Can you put me down now?" Rhino asked after a few hours of hanging there. He swore, he was starting to see in red from being upside down for so long.<p>

**"Is little Rhino going to behave himself?"**

"Yeah, sure. Whatever." And with that, the arms released him, causing him to crash onto the floor with a yelp. Sitting up, he grumbled to himself as the arms above him retreated back into the wall and one more emerged with a special present. "Stupid, good-for-nothing lady. Always- Oh, cookies!" Forgetting all about his animosity towards the computer, he took a cookie and happily went about eating it as another mechanical arm emerged to pat his head lovingly.

**"There's a good boy."**

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><p>And there's the first chapter. I had tons of fun writing this and I hope you guys had as much fun reading it. Please review if you can!<p>

Note: I heard that Lutefisk is actually pretty good, but try telling that to our lovable friends. :D


	2. Chapter 1: Horrors of the Kitten

Disclaimer: I don't own the Spider-Man franchise or any of its characters.

**TheManOfOneThousandNames**- Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad the last chappy had that commercial feel to it; that was my intention! :)  
><strong>Sonar<strong>- Poor Rhino never saw it coming! I think he learned his lesson!  
><strong>Carlos45<strong>- Yay! You don't have to wait much longer! Enjoy this chappy!  
><strong>dglsprincess105<strong>- He is adorable, isn't he? :3 He looovvveess his cookies! And I'm not sure if Lutefisk can really burn a toilet; it's just one of the first things I thought of when I first heard of it and I thought it would be funny enough to add to the story. But if ya do ever find some Lutefisk, please feel free to experiment and tell me the results! And I think Nicky is trying hard to pull through each day of madness without losing his sanity!

Chapter Summary: The resident kitty needs a litter box... And Sandman is the litter of choice.

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><p><em>Chapter 1<em>

This lounge is starting to get a bit crowded. Giving a stretch, Sandman scooted over on the couch to make room for Scorpion, half-heartedly watching the television. It was so boring today; there was hardly anything to do on this ship and their common enemy and his PHANTOM army had been inactive for days. Even if he was back at home, according to the New York news, nothing's been happening. That probably has something to do with the fact that most of the supervillains are up here, their minds equally riddling with boredom.

"Ugh! I can feel my brain rotting!"

See? Sandman rolled his eyes and tossed the remote into Scorpion's lap. "Here, have fun." he muttered, ignoring Scorpion's reply of 'I wish...' as he stood up from the couch and headed out to the snack table, picking up an apple and taking a bite. He didn't really need to eat anymore, but it was something to do at least. Mind wandering to what he can possibly do next, he glanced around the room. Hm, maybe he can find a sparring partner and train in the many arenas that the ship provides. Given the boredom of the other villains, it shouldn't be too hard to find a volunteer...

"No." Doc Ock answered when asked, half-heartedly tinkering with a strange looking device.

"Nope." Rhino grumbled through a cupcake when he too was invited.

"Been there, done that." Green Goblin muttered, toying lazily with a Pumpkin Bomb.

"Nuh-uh." Scorpion declined, eyes glued to the TV.

"I'm busy." Lizard hissed softly as he merely skimmed through a book.

"You all suck!" Sandman exclaimed when he asked the last villain in the room. What was wrong with these guys? They were bored, but didn't wanna do anything about it? Well, training can get a bit on the dull side, he supposed. So much for that idea. Leaving the lounge, he wandered down a random corridor, taking the long way back to his room. What time was it anyway? He checked his watch, the numbers 10:32 AM glaring at him mockingly. He glared back for a moment before putting his hand back in his pocket.

"Hey there." Sandman stopped when he heard that oh-so-familiar voice, irritation automatically rising up. Looking towards the ceiling, he expected to see Spider-Man, but there was nothing. Blinking in confusion, he looked about to see no sign of the hero. "Over here, Sandy."

Looking up again, but this time at the air-vent, he saw Spidey inside the ventilation system, waving at him cheerfully through the grate. Quirking an eyebrow, Flint couldn't help but ask the question that would be on everyone else's mind in this given situation. "What're ya doin' in there?"

Spidey shrugged. "Meh. Hiding from Venom." Silence as Marko tilted his head questionably. After all, Venom and Spidey's been in each other's presence on this ship for a while, why is the Spider suddenly- "I got a new symbiote suit. I don't want Venom knowing about it yet." Ah. Even from down here, Sandman can see the color change of the hero's costume: black and white, instead of red and blue. "So what about you, Marko Polo? Ya seem kinda... out there."

It was Flint's turn to shrug. "Bored." Smirking a bit as a thought entered his mind, he chuckled a bit evilly. "You wanna be my sparrin' partner, bug? Squashin' ya should be fun."

"Yeah, sounds like a great time." Spidey muttered sarcastically before giving a more genuine answer. "Wish I could, Sand-Box, but I'm staying low right now. Sorry about that." And in a flash, the Spider was gone, scurrying who-knows-where through the vents. The rather interesting conversation over, Flint resumed his walk, though he barely took a few steps before the computer's voice spoke up.

**"The ship's cat is now wandering the deck. Caution is advised to Sandman. The kitty's considered wild and dangerous."** the mechanical voice chirped with good-humor. Sandman was not amused by the joke, however, and he rolled his eyes before opening his partially-open room door.

"Funny! Like I should be scared of a stupid cat. What the-?" Eyes wide, he saw, sitting on his bed, a small Siamese kitten. He knew leaving the door ajar was a bad idea... "Hey, furbag, get outta my room!" he growled, pointing at the door. He was never much of a cat person even before his sand mutation. But the kitten merely stared at him with curious eyes before he walked up to it and picked it up, taking the purring bundle towards the door and flopping it on the floor outside. Closing the door, he turned around and suddenly felt something rubbing against his leg.

Snapping his surprised gaze down, he saw the kitten was back inside, having slipped back in before the door closed all the way. Meowing softly, the kitty then began pawing at his shoe, sniffing him as it did so.

"Stupid cat. Didn't I tell ya to get out?" Sandman grumbled before opening the door again and trying to nudge the cat out with his foot. It didn't work as the cat moved to his other foot, pawing and sniffing it before turning around, lowering its rear end, lifting its tail out of the way and- "Oh no ya don't!" Flint yelped in disgust, knowing exactly was the kitten was trying to do.

But before it can do its business, he picked it up again, opened the door, and tossed it out, closing it shut as quick as he could. Sighing in relief, he turned back into his room and flopped onto his bed. It was still a bit early for a nap, but what else could he do?

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><p><strong>"Attention. Lunch is now being served. Please move to the dining area immediately."<strong> the computer's voice spoke like a mother calling her family to eat. Waking up, Sandman checked the time to see it was 12 o'clock sharp. Sitting up and stretching from his brief nap, he stood up and went for the door. Hopefully, meal-time will bring some excitement to the ship. Opening the door and stepping out, he made sure to close the door behind him before walking for the Dining facility. But...

Sandman paused when he felt something on his leg again. Looking down, he groaned when he saw the kitten pawing his shoe. "You again? Shoo! Go away!" Giving a soft kick to nudge the cat off, he went on his way at a quickened pace. Unfortunately, the kitten made no hesitation in following him, tail held high in its happiness. Glancing over his shoulder, Marko felt a spark of panic and sped up even more. The kitten followed suit.

"Get away from me, damn it!" he shouted before breaking out into a run for the diner, easily losing the kitten as he did so.

Relieved that he lost his tormentor, he slowed down as he entered the room and sat down at his usual seat, being the first to arrive in his haste. Looking down at his plate, he was glad to see decent looking food for once. A noodle dish of some sort, what looked like thin egg-rolls, and a hard-boiled egg. He was tempted to start eating, but he knew the computer didn't appreciate such 'bad manners' and he waited for the others to arrive.

It wasn't much of a long wait and he watched as everyone (excluding Spider-Man, he noticed) hesitantly took their seats, eyeing their dish suspeciously. It was well known that the ship took glee in serving them food that ruined the appetite and they were rather surprised that this meal looked...well...edible.

**"Today's meal is of a Filipino origin. We have Pancit, Lumpia, and Balut. Enjoy!"**

"It's not bad at all." Venom muttered as he was the first to try the food, starting with the egg-roll-looking Lumpia. Following his example, several of the others nibbled their Lumpia as well, finding it to be delicious! In no time, the caution was thrown to the wind and everyone began chatting a bit amongst themselves.

"The noodle stuff is good too." the Goblin added in surprise as he sampled the Pancit. Finally, some good food! They were all on the verge of getting McDonalds, but it seemed the ship has stopped playing her little food game with them. It was about ti-

"OH MY GOD!" Scorpion screamed as he dropped what he was holding, staring at his plate with wide and horrified eyes. All at once, the room fell silent as they looked towards their comrade. They noticed a leathery wad of _something_ on his plate. "O-Open the eggs..." was his only answer to their attention.

Hesitantly, the room became filled with the cracking of egg-shells and then, the horrified exclamations from the diners.

"What in the Holy Hell is this?" Gobby exclaimed in a mixture of horror and anger.

**"Balut is fertilized duck embryo, boiled alive and eaten in the shell. Whoever bites into it should feel ashamed of themselves."** the computer answered the rhetorical question as usual, just to get another disgusted reaction from the passengers. Just when they thought the computer was lightening up on her food pranks, they discover that the egg part of their meal had a dead, fully-developed duckling in it! Only Venom seemed to be less aghast, poking the feathery lump warily before just picking it up and dropping it into his mouth.

"Crunchy," was his verdict, and he continued to eat while everyone else gave him disgusted looks.

"I lost my appetite." Black Cat muttered to herself, pushing her plate away as the others gave their agreement.

Just then, as he was poking the duckling with his fork whilst grimacing, Sandman felt the now familiar touch on his leg. Oh, no... Scooting back a bit to glance down, he saw the kitten there, pawing his shoe as usual before turning and- Sandman stood abruptly and ran out the diner with great haste, the kitten chasing after him. The others watched him go, but seeing no harm from Flint's new kitten friend, they can only assume that the food scared him off.

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><p>Hours past and Sandman wasn't so bored anymore. It was dinner time, but most of the others refused to go and eat, still bitter about what happened earlier. However, that wasn't the reason why Sandman was missing out, no! He was in the vents, and he had no intention of getting out anytime soon. Sitting in his spot, arms crossed, he looked up as Spider-Man turned a corner and saw him. Blinking under his new symbiote suit, the hero sat down in the turn's corner, tilting his head at his visitor.<p>

"What're you doing in here?" he asked. Sensing the irony, but going along with it, Sandman shrugged. "Meh. Hidin' from a cat."

"I know how ya feel, Litter Box." Spider-Man muttered, nodding softly. "I know how ya feel..."

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><p>Second chapter and I'm still having tons of fun! I'm thinking of making that adorable little kitten a running gag with Sandman! XD Please review while I get to work on the next chapter (there's a hint of what it'll be about in this chapter!)<p>

Note: I looooooove Pancit and Lumpia, but Balut disturbs me...


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